Establish Routines and Traditions That Bring A Sense of Family

This is a simple tip that represents an essential part to successfully blending a family. It doesn't matter what the rituals are - pizza on Fridays, movie night on Wednesdays, or playing the Wii together on Sundays. Maybe you camp at a favorite spot each summer or go bike riding together on weekends. Perhaps your pray or worship as a family. Traditions bring you together as a unit, and they will create long lasting memories. Establishing patterns as a blended family will eventually become comfortable traditions that give everyone, especially children, a sense of belonging.

Every family has their traditions. As for our family, one of the traditions we have set and built tenure in doing so over the last ten years is spending our family vacation at Virginia Beach during the summer holiday. As a part of our trip, the boys (we have four within our household) expect that a part of the vacation is to spend ample time wave boarding. Of course, we're both on kid drowning watch (Lol), so not too much relaxing for us. Well there was last year when the husband and I both somehow out wave boarded the kids to the point they had retrieve us from the ocean, and remind us that it's time to leave. Another family routine for us is taking bi-weekly family trips to the barber shop. During those moments we spend driving to and from our destination, we spend talking, laughing, and/or reflecting on our last trip to the barber. Surprisingly the kids actually look forward to these moments, and it's cost effective :). Some of our traditions only occur on birthdays, and others happen every other year, but we can still count on them and look forward to them.


All families thrive on common activities and shared memories. So even when you go on vacations and other outings together, take along your camera. Display your photos on your desk, show the home videos to friends - they're great ways to give your blended family a sense of history together.

If you've got family pictures on your desk, don't forget to include photos of your non-biological children as well.

www.stepfamilyguru.com

A well informed family makes a HAPPIER and STRONGER family!


~The Stepfamily GURU~

For questions or advice, please email: ask@stepfamilyguru.com

Time To Show Verbal Appreciation Toward Your Mate!

One of the most common gripes people in a relationship or marriage have is how they don’t feel appreciated by their mates. What better way to express the appreciation you have for your significant other, than to catch them off guard and shower them with kind words of admiration? Right?

We challenge each blended family couple to go home tonight, and spend 5-minutes expressing to your partner in detail, how much you appreciate them as a parent, stepparent, provider, and partner/spouse. Be sure to spend this moment communicating about the positive attributes only! If your not too sure how or when to start off the conversation, just make sure the two of you are relaxed. Whether you’re alone or not really isn't a factor. In all actuality - you want to make it a habit to express verbal appreciation to your mate, both in public and in private.

Ok, so perhaps you’re not sure what to say or how to begin the conversation. You can begin the conversation with a “soft start up” that sounds something like “Honey (or Name), I want to share some positive thoughts that have been on my mind...." That's just one example of how you can begin the moment, but be creative. Make sure that you use a soft start up, because this behavior will help to attract the reaction you want from your mate.

Here are some things you can appreciate your mate for: their thoughtfulness, efforts, their work, the way they interact with you or your children, their help, etc.

Why should you validate your mate’s positive attributes?
First and foremost, everyone wants and needs to feel appreciated at some time or another. Learning to provide your spouse/mate with verbal appreciation is a key ingredient to a happy relationship.

Just think, how many times have you wondered if your spouse/mate appreciates having you as a life partner? Or, how they view you or appreciate you as a parent? Acknowledging your mates efforts and contributions as a partner, parent, and provider will help eliminate some of their insecurities. Imagine how it would feel, hearing how wonderful it is having you as a spouse or mate, without having to wonder or ask.

Providing your mate with verbal appreciation is one of the best gifts you can give to your relationship.

A little positive reinforcement goes a loooong way, and may lead to a GREAT NIGHT..No wait...A WONDERFUL NIGHT! (LOL)

Have a great day and a great night. ;-)

A well informed family makes a HAPPIER and STRONGER family!
~The Stepfamily GURU~

Step-parenting Tip: Why Maintaining Your Cool Is So Important

Children will be quicker to view their biological parent in a more positive light than the step-parent when witnessing disagreements between both parties. So, when stressful moments and conflict arise (and believe me, they will!) be sure to manage yourself well.

This, of course, does not mean that you can’t ever get upset or stressed. However, it does mean that during these moments you must put a great effort into managing your emotions, and not overreact toward the biological parent or child.

Keep in mind that one task for children in a blended family is to determine whether loving their step-parent is worth the risk.

By making a commitment to maintain your cool during disagreements with your partner/spouse while in the presence of your non-biological children, you communicate a message that says they have a good reason to believe you are worth the risk.

A well informed family makes a HAPPIER and STRONGER family!

For questions or advice regarding family communication, please email: ask@stepfamilyguru.com.

United as parents we stand, divided we fall..

While all parents should maintain a unified parenting approach in the presence of children, this is especially crucial advice to follow if your raising children in a blended family.

In blended families, it is very easy for children to become well seasoned in the art of conquering and dividing parents when seeking the outcome they most desire. As parents, you want to ensure that you never contradict each others parenting decision in the presence of your children. Whether you and your spouse/partner are both the biological parents of your children or not, keep in mind that arguing or disagreeing openly may encourage them to try to come in between you. Communicate as a couple to develop a plan of action on how you will handle moments when children try using tactics to gain favor over the other parent. Try coming to an agreement that you will both report back to one another behind closed doors to discuss and disseminate any possibilities of your children trying to divide your unified front.

Remember that you and your spouse/partner are the household leaders, and your goal is to close the ranks. Even though the stepparent may not be playing the "boss in charge" early on into the relationship, both parents should have an equal voice behind closed doors when communicating any moments where you feel your children are playing the separation game. If you and your spouse/partner work hard at communicating with each other to maintain a strong outwardly resiliency, your children will hence the understanding that you two are on the same team.

Parenting is not always a picnic, and neither is maintaining constant communication as a couple. Stay strong, and keep in mind that there is always strength in numbers.

Parenting is not about giving children their way, it's about showing them the way!

For questions or advice regarding family communication, please email: ask@stepfamilyguru.com.

A well informed family makes a HAPPIER and STRONGER family!

How To Establish Household Guidelines That Apply To All Children, Biological or Not

As the biological parent of the blended family home it is common to feel uncomfortable with the non-biological parent making disciplinary choices over your children. While the stepparent should reframe from enforcing rules early on into the relationship, it doesn't mean the their opinions and suggestions on discipline should go unheard. Make a joint effort to establish household guidlines based on family values, rules, and limits that all children are required to follow, whether visiting for the weekend or not - and no one parent shall shine as the bad person. :)

A well informed family makes a HAPPIER and STRONGER family!

For more information on family communication, visit www.stepfamilyguru.com.

Tips to Successful Family Communication

Pick a day and record how many times you use sarcasm, ridicule, judgmental statements, make accusations, or put downs toward your mate, spouse, or children(biological or non-biological). Make a conscious decision to work on replacing these unhealthy habits with respectful, practical, and positive styles of communicating.

Communicating poorly leads to numerous family issues, including repeated family conflict, ineffective problem-solving, lack of intimacy, and weak emotional bonding.

So the next time you communicate with your spouse, mate, or children, remember that healthy communication is essential to building and sustaining strong marital, parent-child, and sibling relationships.

A well informed family makes a HAPPIER and STRONGER family!

For more information on family communication, visit www.stepfamilyguru.com.

Step-Dad/Teen Step-Daughter Conflict Question: I need major help with my life

I need major help with my life

"*I'm young but not that young, I live with my mom and her husband, and their 2 children, and I'm very unhappy.

*I have to sneak around and lie to my mom to hangout with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is great and amazing and would do almost anything for me, and most of the time he feels like my only escape. But he cancels our plans 2-3 times a week and he says that he doesn't even know why he likes me but he cares about me and he's really into me. We see each other 2-4 times a week.

*My ex- We dated for 8 months, we went through a lot together, we had our ups and downs. We didn't see each other a lot through out our relationship and most of our relationship was hidden from everyone. I want to fix things but he says he doesn't know how or if we can because we don't get along.

*My step-dad and I do not get along at all. We haven't since I was 6. He's an alcoholic but not as bad as he used to be but he isn't supposed to be drinking at all and he got arrested for drunk driving last night. My mom won't divorce him and she barely says anything to him when he says stuff to me/ about me or seriously offends me, but it's impossible to relax at home or be happy here when he says I better not show my face here.

What should I do?"

Response:

Good Day!

As a blended family communication coach, my focus is helping families with situations like yours.

From what you have shared about your step-dad's behavioral patterns of alcohol and verbal abuse, I believe that this is an indication that he suffers from being abused himself. However, his problems are not yours to fix for him, but instead understanding how to cope until you’re able to move out on your own. No one should be subjected to being verbally abused by a parent or anyone for that matter.

Unfortunately, with you receiving this form of what is called "verbal abuse", you must make yourself aware of ensuring that you don't allow yourself to receive this behavior from boyfriend's, husband, etc or repeat this form of abuse. I say this because as we grow into adulthood, we tend to either gravitate towards or away from the behaviors of the adults who raise us. For example, a son, who is repeatedly either verbally or physically abused by his father, will predictably treat his own children in the same way. When a daughter hears her mother frequently tear down, belittle, and criticize her father, she will adapt a learned behavior which involves control through verbal abuse. Similarly, a child who witnesses his parents engaging in abusive behaviors toward one another, will very likely subject his or her spouse to the same abusive patterns. These are examples of what is called "generational abuse".

Your step-dad suffers from issues beyond your control and he needs help, as I'm sure you are already aware. While your step-dad may suffer from an alcohol addiction, the affects may impact you in ways unknown. So I encourage you to focus on ensuring that you are aware of the affects of being parented by someone with an alcohol addiction. Please check out http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-will-alateen-help-me, for more information and support for teens whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. Remember, none of his issues are your fault, and that includes the verbal abuse. I'm certain it must feel hurtful having to experience life in this fashion, but as odd as it may sound - allow these experiences to make you stronger and know what you want different for yourself, your children, and your future. My mother was an alcoholic all my life until she passed away, and needless to say, I understand your pain. I know first hand what life is like living with someone who has an alcohol addiction.

As far as your mom goes, I suggest that you write your mom a letter which outlines how you feel about the following:

- Your love for your mom and the connection you once had or would like to have with her.
- Your reasons for writing a letter versus communicating with her directly.
- The verbal abuse that you receive from your step-dad

- The psychological affects your step-dad’s behavior has on your everyday living,
such as:
> Your inability to trust (if this is how you may feel)
> The discomfort you have, living in your own home
> Your concerns for getting into relationships and accepting this form of abuse from men who may father her grandchildren
> Explain that you often wonder why she allows your step-dad to verbally abuse you, and ask why doesn't she advocate for you as her child, even in confidence,
> Express that you have concerns for whether or not you may enter a relationship, have children, and allow a man to repeat the same behavior as your step-dad
> Express how much you "would have liked", or "would like" to have a more positive communication between you and your step-dad.
> Mention a memory when you enjoyed spending time with your step-dad. (if any)

The important thing for you to understand is that being subjected to such verbal abuse is unhealthy for you, as well as the impact your moms’ response or lack of, has on you.

The boyfriend –
From what you wrote, it sounds like he is emotionally abusing you by using passive aggression; this form of abuse if often subtle and much harder to spot than others, because these individuals mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employs emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior. Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate and internal issues, just as I mentioned about your step-dad. Your young and I'm sure beautiful inside and out, and you deserve to be treated like a princess. :) While you may feel the need to sneak around to see your boyfriend, if your mom and/or step-dad finds out, it may lead to your parents becoming more stringent with the rules. And the last thing you need as a teen is for your parents to lose trust in you. It's getting caught while stealing on the job - if your lucky and I mean LUCKY enough to not get fired..consider yourself one lucky person who will forever be looked at with by your boss with one eye opened. Try being open to understanding the reason why your mom feels the way she does about your boyfriend. You can only imagine the good advice given by my mom, that I wish I had listened too and followed. But I was once your age, so I can relate to how you feel. :)

Aside from the fact that your mom may not respond to or acknowledge your step-dads behaviors, I'm sure that your mom feels that she has your best interest in mind. If your sneaking to see your boyfriend, chances are your mom can feel or see characteristics displayed by your boyfriend, which she feels are not acceptable for her daughter. I can imagine that might be hard to believe, seeing how you spoke of your mom not acknowledging your step-dad's unhealthy behaviors. Some people are able to conceptualize what they want for others easier, than they are able to so for themselves. Make sense?

The Ex-Boyfriend –
Well, he is an "ex" for a reason and I recommend you leave him as such. I like to think of re-dating an old boyfriend as rehashing the trash. Might sound a little harsh, but he is the "ex". Check out this site http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Falling-for-Your-Ex-Boyfriend for tips relating to this matter.

I hope the tools I provided for you will be helpful in communicating your concerns to your mom, and gives you a clearer perspective on how these issues can affect you in adulthood. Please follow-up and let me know how things worked out.

Sincerely,

Joy Denise Miller - The Stepfamily Communication Coach
www.stepfamilyguru.com

Parental Control: Step-parents have voices too!

There is no doubt that children are the most affected when one or both of the biological parents form a relationship with someone new. After all, children are forced to deal with many emotions surrounding the formation of a blended family. While the well-being of children should be nurtured at all times, maintaining an open dialog and supportive connection among both partners is especially important as well. However, you may find that it's more challenging to tend to the relationship in a blended family because of the needs children require, unlike that of the relationship where children reside with both biological parents.

One crucial area that requires attention as you grow as a blended family is the need for continuous communication between the live-in biological and stepparent when making parental decisions. However, there are factors that tend to overshadow the immediate need for bio parents to seek the inclusion of stepparent when making parental decisions.

For relationships where bio parents have spent several years parenting as the single mother and father, the idea or need to include stepparents when making parental decisions, could be innocently overlooked. In most instances when you have the one parent playing the role of mother and father, that parent has become conditioned to being the only authority figure in the home. A parent, who is used to making decision as both the mom and dad, may see not benefit or necessity in obtaining their mates opinion during decision making times.

Another factor that hinders some bio parents from seeing the importance of including the stepparent in making parental decisions is the guilt. Bio parents tend to carry guilt as a result of the child having to experience the absence of the other parent. Parents who carry this feeling, tend to assume a protective role over their children, and typically refrain from including the non-bio parent in the decision making process. What many bio parents may not realize is there is a distinct difference between respecting and vocalizing your partners opinions and views on parenting. While your notion to refrain from projecting the views and opinions of stepparents onto your children maybe on target, the decisions you make as two household leaders behind closed doors is all together different.

Just think, who really gets involved in any capacity of life with the idea that their rational won't be heard nor considered. As a stepparent, I'm certain one doesn't sign up to serve as parent figure so that their thoughts and suggestions would go unacknowledged.

Try discussing parental matters with your partner/spouse, and you may find that your mate not only feels included and appreciated for their thoughts and suggestions, but finally feel acknowledged as a parent figure within the home.

So the next time you and your partner find time to talk without the children around, communicate to one other how you feel about being included or not included when parental decisions are made. With a little introspective thinking in the mix, you should be good to go!

Step, Bonus, Reconstitued, or Blended Family? What’s your flavor!

The days of subscribing to the term "step-family" seems to be dying out slowly but surely, or is it?

What is the hype of using the term “step” all about? Is it that terms such as blended, or bonus adds sugar on top?
Let’s define the terms famously used to describe two families, combined as a result of two adults forming a relationship where children exist from previous relationships.

Blended Family: A family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships

Step-Family: A family that is formed on the remarriage of a divorced or widowed person and that includes one or more children.

Bonus family: Members of a family related by living together or the remarriage of a parent and not by blood, who have made the formal commitment to care and support each other throughout life.

Reconstituted family: The sociological term for the joining of two adults via marriage, cohabitation or civil partnership, who have children from previous relationships.

In recent years, there has been a growing trend of step-families adopting the term “blended.” It seems as though, the wicked stepmother, along with the negative media portrayals of stepparents, have people rejecting the “Step” label, saying it carries a stigma.

No matter how you mix it, whether you prefer the term step-family, blended family, Para Kin, or Bonus Family, whatever title you choose is truly secondary to the way that you think of the relationships with the people that you're involved with. Instead of viewing the term “Step family”, as a word of disconnect, think about your driving force behind the reasons for why you chose your family title of choice.

So is it fair to say that the parents of a blended family homes should be referred to as “blended mom & dad”, “Bonus mom & dad”, ”reconstituted mom & dad”, “Step- mom & dad” or introduced with first names?

It’s one thing for a person to select their adjective of choice to describe their two conjoining families, but it’s another thing to be offended by someone who innocently chooses a term to define your family make-up.

So you say you’re a _________ Family?
What determines which road you choose, when describing your family dynamic?

Acknowledge your new step-children’s feelings

Providing your stepchildren with reassurance that you care about how they feel and will help them adjust to communicating with you as the new parent figure in their life.

Use this moment as an opportunity to bond and inspire trust by showing that you understand. As parents or stepparents, we may not be able to fix their problems or change their mood from happy to sad, but it is important for us to acknowledge their feelings. Who wouldn’t mind hearing a few kind words in support of their feelings?

Words leave lasting impressions..

Children who live in blended family households are often expected to be the masters of acceptance and left with very few options, if any, when it comes to deciding which partner they wish to see with their parents. As parents, we must keep this thought into consideration at all times, most importantly if arguments in your home often escalate to name-calling, yelling and passive aggressive behavior. Of course, it goes without saying that children should be exposed to the least amount of partner domestics as possible, if any.

Children absorb information like sponges and the last thing two partners need in a blended family, is for a bio or stepchild to feel torn between or encouraged to side with the parent who passes out the most "f" bombs or nasty comments. Keep in mind, just like the days when us parents we would refrain from sharing the negative stories about boyfriends and girlfriends with our parents for fear of having the to polish or recant the story. Think about it like this, your children love you and if you feel wronged by your partner and display this attitude in front of or around your children, they too will begin to develop feelings of resentment toward your partner. What children over hear between two parents during heated disagreements, arguments, or fights can leave a lasting impression long after were back in love, smitten and forgiven by our mates.

Just imagine being a child who clearly sees that their mommy or daddy is happy, yet they're not so sure how they feel about the person who is making you happy. One good argument with mommy or daddy throwing a few "f" bombs and/or derogatory statements towards the parent in question while the child is present, and you have just confirmed your child's fears, discomforts and/or reasons for resenting their new stepparent.

So how do you recover from moments such as these if they were to occur?

Explain to your child that both you and the other parent talked about the problems and everything is okay. Also, explain that being frustrated with someone you care about is natural and that it's a part of life and relationships. This way, they will trust that their parents will work things out and they won’t tremble with emotions by hearing those impulsive things that couples say to one another in the heat of the moment.

If you're the argument name caller, plate thrower or anything of the sort, these reactions must be curbed. It's your job as the parent displaying such behavior, to step up to the plate and acknowledge to your child, the inappropriateness of your actions. If we preach conflict resolution to our children but don’t show them how to reenact it in real life, we are doing them a great disservice.

When it is time to reconcile or talk about things with your partner, do it privately. Our indiscretions force the children who love us, to develop perceptions about the other parent based upon how we feel for a moment in time. Instead children deserve to have a fair chance to develop their own perceptions of their stepparent or parent figure. As parents of blended families, we must be mindful of the impact that making bad judgment calls such as slandering the other parent in the presence of our children. Often times, it's the negative outspoken reactions, opinions, and comments directed towards your mate and heard by our children, which contribute to the disruption of building blended family bonds.