Children who live in blended family households are often expected to be the masters of acceptance and left with very few options, if any, when it comes to deciding which partner they wish to see with their parents. As parents, we must keep this thought into consideration at all times, most importantly if arguments in your home often escalate to name-calling, yelling and passive aggressive behavior. Of course, it goes without saying that children should be exposed to the least amount of partner domestics as possible, if any.
Children absorb information like sponges and the last thing two partners need in a blended family, is for a bio or stepchild to feel torn between or encouraged to side with the parent who passes out the most "f" bombs or nasty comments. Keep in mind, just like the days when us parents we would refrain from sharing the negative stories about boyfriends and girlfriends with our parents for fear of having the to polish or recant the story. Think about it like this, your children love you and if you feel wronged by your partner and display this attitude in front of or around your children, they too will begin to develop feelings of resentment toward your partner. What children over hear between two parents during heated disagreements, arguments, or fights can leave a lasting impression long after were back in love, smitten and forgiven by our mates.
Just imagine being a child who clearly sees that their mommy or daddy is happy, yet they're not so sure how they feel about the person who is making you happy. One good argument with mommy or daddy throwing a few "f" bombs and/or derogatory statements towards the parent in question while the child is present, and you have just confirmed your child's fears, discomforts and/or reasons for resenting their new stepparent.
So how do you recover from moments such as these if they were to occur?
Explain to your child that both you and the other parent talked about the problems and everything is okay. Also, explain that being frustrated with someone you care about is natural and that it's a part of life and relationships. This way, they will trust that their parents will work things out and they won’t tremble with emotions by hearing those impulsive things that couples say to one another in the heat of the moment.
If you're the argument name caller, plate thrower or anything of the sort, these reactions must be curbed. It's your job as the parent displaying such behavior, to step up to the plate and acknowledge to your child, the inappropriateness of your actions. If we preach conflict resolution to our children but don’t show them how to reenact it in real life, we are doing them a great disservice.
When it is time to reconcile or talk about things with your partner, do it privately. Our indiscretions force the children who love us, to develop perceptions about the other parent based upon how we feel for a moment in time. Instead children deserve to have a fair chance to develop their own perceptions of their stepparent or parent figure. As parents of blended families, we must be mindful of the impact that making bad judgment calls such as slandering the other parent in the presence of our children. Often times, it's the negative outspoken reactions, opinions, and comments directed towards your mate and heard by our children, which contribute to the disruption of building blended family bonds.
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