Parental Control: Step-parents have voices too!

There is no doubt that children are the most affected when one or both of the biological parents form a relationship with someone new. After all, children are forced to deal with many emotions surrounding the formation of a blended family. While the well-being of children should be nurtured at all times, maintaining an open dialog and supportive connection among both partners is especially important as well. However, you may find that it's more challenging to tend to the relationship in a blended family because of the needs children require, unlike that of the relationship where children reside with both biological parents.

One crucial area that requires attention as you grow as a blended family is the need for continuous communication between the live-in biological and stepparent when making parental decisions. However, there are factors that tend to overshadow the immediate need for bio parents to seek the inclusion of stepparent when making parental decisions.

For relationships where bio parents have spent several years parenting as the single mother and father, the idea or need to include stepparents when making parental decisions, could be innocently overlooked. In most instances when you have the one parent playing the role of mother and father, that parent has become conditioned to being the only authority figure in the home. A parent, who is used to making decision as both the mom and dad, may see not benefit or necessity in obtaining their mates opinion during decision making times.

Another factor that hinders some bio parents from seeing the importance of including the stepparent in making parental decisions is the guilt. Bio parents tend to carry guilt as a result of the child having to experience the absence of the other parent. Parents who carry this feeling, tend to assume a protective role over their children, and typically refrain from including the non-bio parent in the decision making process. What many bio parents may not realize is there is a distinct difference between respecting and vocalizing your partners opinions and views on parenting. While your notion to refrain from projecting the views and opinions of stepparents onto your children maybe on target, the decisions you make as two household leaders behind closed doors is all together different.

Just think, who really gets involved in any capacity of life with the idea that their rational won't be heard nor considered. As a stepparent, I'm certain one doesn't sign up to serve as parent figure so that their thoughts and suggestions would go unacknowledged.

Try discussing parental matters with your partner/spouse, and you may find that your mate not only feels included and appreciated for their thoughts and suggestions, but finally feel acknowledged as a parent figure within the home.

So the next time you and your partner find time to talk without the children around, communicate to one other how you feel about being included or not included when parental decisions are made. With a little introspective thinking in the mix, you should be good to go!

Step, Bonus, Reconstitued, or Blended Family? What’s your flavor!

The days of subscribing to the term "step-family" seems to be dying out slowly but surely, or is it?

What is the hype of using the term “step” all about? Is it that terms such as blended, or bonus adds sugar on top?
Let’s define the terms famously used to describe two families, combined as a result of two adults forming a relationship where children exist from previous relationships.

Blended Family: A family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships

Step-Family: A family that is formed on the remarriage of a divorced or widowed person and that includes one or more children.

Bonus family: Members of a family related by living together or the remarriage of a parent and not by blood, who have made the formal commitment to care and support each other throughout life.

Reconstituted family: The sociological term for the joining of two adults via marriage, cohabitation or civil partnership, who have children from previous relationships.

In recent years, there has been a growing trend of step-families adopting the term “blended.” It seems as though, the wicked stepmother, along with the negative media portrayals of stepparents, have people rejecting the “Step” label, saying it carries a stigma.

No matter how you mix it, whether you prefer the term step-family, blended family, Para Kin, or Bonus Family, whatever title you choose is truly secondary to the way that you think of the relationships with the people that you're involved with. Instead of viewing the term “Step family”, as a word of disconnect, think about your driving force behind the reasons for why you chose your family title of choice.

So is it fair to say that the parents of a blended family homes should be referred to as “blended mom & dad”, “Bonus mom & dad”, ”reconstituted mom & dad”, “Step- mom & dad” or introduced with first names?

It’s one thing for a person to select their adjective of choice to describe their two conjoining families, but it’s another thing to be offended by someone who innocently chooses a term to define your family make-up.

So you say you’re a _________ Family?
What determines which road you choose, when describing your family dynamic?

Acknowledge your new step-children’s feelings

Providing your stepchildren with reassurance that you care about how they feel and will help them adjust to communicating with you as the new parent figure in their life.

Use this moment as an opportunity to bond and inspire trust by showing that you understand. As parents or stepparents, we may not be able to fix their problems or change their mood from happy to sad, but it is important for us to acknowledge their feelings. Who wouldn’t mind hearing a few kind words in support of their feelings?

Words leave lasting impressions..

Children who live in blended family households are often expected to be the masters of acceptance and left with very few options, if any, when it comes to deciding which partner they wish to see with their parents. As parents, we must keep this thought into consideration at all times, most importantly if arguments in your home often escalate to name-calling, yelling and passive aggressive behavior. Of course, it goes without saying that children should be exposed to the least amount of partner domestics as possible, if any.

Children absorb information like sponges and the last thing two partners need in a blended family, is for a bio or stepchild to feel torn between or encouraged to side with the parent who passes out the most "f" bombs or nasty comments. Keep in mind, just like the days when us parents we would refrain from sharing the negative stories about boyfriends and girlfriends with our parents for fear of having the to polish or recant the story. Think about it like this, your children love you and if you feel wronged by your partner and display this attitude in front of or around your children, they too will begin to develop feelings of resentment toward your partner. What children over hear between two parents during heated disagreements, arguments, or fights can leave a lasting impression long after were back in love, smitten and forgiven by our mates.

Just imagine being a child who clearly sees that their mommy or daddy is happy, yet they're not so sure how they feel about the person who is making you happy. One good argument with mommy or daddy throwing a few "f" bombs and/or derogatory statements towards the parent in question while the child is present, and you have just confirmed your child's fears, discomforts and/or reasons for resenting their new stepparent.

So how do you recover from moments such as these if they were to occur?

Explain to your child that both you and the other parent talked about the problems and everything is okay. Also, explain that being frustrated with someone you care about is natural and that it's a part of life and relationships. This way, they will trust that their parents will work things out and they won’t tremble with emotions by hearing those impulsive things that couples say to one another in the heat of the moment.

If you're the argument name caller, plate thrower or anything of the sort, these reactions must be curbed. It's your job as the parent displaying such behavior, to step up to the plate and acknowledge to your child, the inappropriateness of your actions. If we preach conflict resolution to our children but don’t show them how to reenact it in real life, we are doing them a great disservice.

When it is time to reconcile or talk about things with your partner, do it privately. Our indiscretions force the children who love us, to develop perceptions about the other parent based upon how we feel for a moment in time. Instead children deserve to have a fair chance to develop their own perceptions of their stepparent or parent figure. As parents of blended families, we must be mindful of the impact that making bad judgment calls such as slandering the other parent in the presence of our children. Often times, it's the negative outspoken reactions, opinions, and comments directed towards your mate and heard by our children, which contribute to the disruption of building blended family bonds.