How to remain fully present when you feel criticized by your spouse..

You may struggle in this area of your relationship, but you’re certainly not alone! If you have ever had an instance where you’ve found yourself battling between trying to listen to your mates concerns, and your internal voice that’s telling you that you have know idea what point he/she is trying to make, all while tapping your fingers in your head as you look straight with one eye brow raised, thinking “I know they don’t think they’re the perfect mate” – than you understand exactly where were coming from.

Ensuring that your listening ears are on as you disallow your internal emotional distractions to interfere with your response can truly be very difficult, but doing so prevents the calamity of reacting emotionally. The unwarranted emotions that cause you to respond defensively will only add fuel to the emotional fire.

It’s always a good practice to avoid emotional reactivity in your marriage.
Always aim for a proactive approach when responding to your partners concerns. A proactive approach to resolving relationship issues will take you to much sweeter places than that of being reactive will. To be emotionally reactive when approaching your mate is never good. The mate who responds reactively toward their significant other appears as though their issue or emotions needs to be responded to as a crisis; or perhaps they just feel defensive to the message that the other party is conveying. Overall, the reactive mate can easily come across as a person who is concerned only with themselves, and seem as though they must be heard immediately, regardless to the way in which it comes out of their mouth.

Here are some action steps to help you remain connected to your mate while also acknowledging your inner reaction to criticism.

1st, be aware of your inner reaction to hearing constructive criticism from your mate. If you acknowledge the fact that your emotional buttons are easily pushed and that your defensiveness is setting in, let your mate know that you really want to hear what they are saying, but that you are feeling a bit defensive. You want your mate to feel comfortable coming to you about their concerns, so encourage them to continue sharing!

2nd, allow yourself to open up so that you’re completely present to hear your mate’s message. Opening yourself up to be emotionally available doesn’t constitute “buying” into everything your mate is saying. Listen thoroughly so that you ensure that you fully take in and reflect upon the entire message they are conveying. Be willing to acknowledge some portion of the truth, no matter how small, in what they are saying. For example, this might mean that you respond to your mate saying something such as me “I hear your concerns about the how busy I have been lately and that we haven’t been spending much quality time together. I’m willing to make more time for us.” This response may be all your mate wants to hear.

3rd, supervise your inner critical and vulnerable voice. This is likely a voice from your past telling you that you’re not good enough to grow. Feel comfortable reassuring your self that you will attend to that voice later. When time permits, communicate with yourself by readdressing the situation and giving full attention to the voice that’s is giving you permission to be reactive to what your hearing. Assess the purpose, or lack thereof, of the voice.

4th, be willing to open yourself up to the truth. Perhaps the concerns your mate is bringing to you are valid and need to be acknowledged. Most likely there is probably a "pinch of truth” or more in what your mate is communicating to you, and you should be willing to digest this and then acknowledge it.

Burying your reactive voice doesn’t mean that your giving up your vocal cords; it’s just showing that you’re not only willing to listen two times more than you speak, your responding to your partner and not to your emotions.

A well informed family makes a HAPPIER and STRONGER family!