I need major help with my life
"*I'm young but not that young, I live with my mom and her husband, and their 2 children, and I'm very unhappy.
*I have to sneak around and lie to my mom to hangout with my boyfriend, my boyfriend is great and amazing and would do almost anything for me, and most of the time he feels like my only escape. But he cancels our plans 2-3 times a week and he says that he doesn't even know why he likes me but he cares about me and he's really into me. We see each other 2-4 times a week.
*My ex- We dated for 8 months, we went through a lot together, we had our ups and downs. We didn't see each other a lot through out our relationship and most of our relationship was hidden from everyone. I want to fix things but he says he doesn't know how or if we can because we don't get along.
*My step-dad and I do not get along at all. We haven't since I was 6. He's an alcoholic but not as bad as he used to be but he isn't supposed to be drinking at all and he got arrested for drunk driving last night. My mom won't divorce him and she barely says anything to him when he says stuff to me/ about me or seriously offends me, but it's impossible to relax at home or be happy here when he says I better not show my face here.
What should I do?"
Response:
Good Day!
As a blended family communication coach, my focus is helping families with situations like yours.
From what you have shared about your step-dad's behavioral patterns of alcohol and verbal abuse, I believe that this is an indication that he suffers from being abused himself. However, his problems are not yours to fix for him, but instead understanding how to cope until you’re able to move out on your own. No one should be subjected to being verbally abused by a parent or anyone for that matter.
Unfortunately, with you receiving this form of what is called "verbal abuse", you must make yourself aware of ensuring that you don't allow yourself to receive this behavior from boyfriend's, husband, etc or repeat this form of abuse. I say this because as we grow into adulthood, we tend to either gravitate towards or away from the behaviors of the adults who raise us. For example, a son, who is repeatedly either verbally or physically abused by his father, will predictably treat his own children in the same way. When a daughter hears her mother frequently tear down, belittle, and criticize her father, she will adapt a learned behavior which involves control through verbal abuse. Similarly, a child who witnesses his parents engaging in abusive behaviors toward one another, will very likely subject his or her spouse to the same abusive patterns. These are examples of what is called "generational abuse".
Your step-dad suffers from issues beyond your control and he needs help, as I'm sure you are already aware. While your step-dad may suffer from an alcohol addiction, the affects may impact you in ways unknown. So I encourage you to focus on ensuring that you are aware of the affects of being parented by someone with an alcohol addiction. Please check out http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-will-alateen-help-me, for more information and support for teens whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. Remember, none of his issues are your fault, and that includes the verbal abuse. I'm certain it must feel hurtful having to experience life in this fashion, but as odd as it may sound - allow these experiences to make you stronger and know what you want different for yourself, your children, and your future. My mother was an alcoholic all my life until she passed away, and needless to say, I understand your pain. I know first hand what life is like living with someone who has an alcohol addiction.
As far as your mom goes, I suggest that you write your mom a letter which outlines how you feel about the following:
- Your love for your mom and the connection you once had or would like to have with her.
- Your reasons for writing a letter versus communicating with her directly.
- The verbal abuse that you receive from your step-dad
- The psychological affects your step-dad’s behavior has on your everyday living,
such as:
> Your inability to trust (if this is how you may feel)
> The discomfort you have, living in your own home
> Your concerns for getting into relationships and accepting this form of abuse from men who may father her grandchildren
> Explain that you often wonder why she allows your step-dad to verbally abuse you, and ask why doesn't she advocate for you as her child, even in confidence,
> Express that you have concerns for whether or not you may enter a relationship, have children, and allow a man to repeat the same behavior as your step-dad
> Express how much you "would have liked", or "would like" to have a more positive communication between you and your step-dad.
> Mention a memory when you enjoyed spending time with your step-dad. (if any)
The important thing for you to understand is that being subjected to such verbal abuse is unhealthy for you, as well as the impact your moms’ response or lack of, has on you.
The boyfriend –
From what you wrote, it sounds like he is emotionally abusing you by using passive aggression; this form of abuse if often subtle and much harder to spot than others, because these individuals mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employs emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior. Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate and internal issues, just as I mentioned about your step-dad. Your young and I'm sure beautiful inside and out, and you deserve to be treated like a princess. :) While you may feel the need to sneak around to see your boyfriend, if your mom and/or step-dad finds out, it may lead to your parents becoming more stringent with the rules. And the last thing you need as a teen is for your parents to lose trust in you. It's getting caught while stealing on the job - if your lucky and I mean LUCKY enough to not get fired..consider yourself one lucky person who will forever be looked at with by your boss with one eye opened. Try being open to understanding the reason why your mom feels the way she does about your boyfriend. You can only imagine the good advice given by my mom, that I wish I had listened too and followed. But I was once your age, so I can relate to how you feel. :)
Aside from the fact that your mom may not respond to or acknowledge your step-dads behaviors, I'm sure that your mom feels that she has your best interest in mind. If your sneaking to see your boyfriend, chances are your mom can feel or see characteristics displayed by your boyfriend, which she feels are not acceptable for her daughter. I can imagine that might be hard to believe, seeing how you spoke of your mom not acknowledging your step-dad's unhealthy behaviors. Some people are able to conceptualize what they want for others easier, than they are able to so for themselves. Make sense?
The Ex-Boyfriend –
Well, he is an "ex" for a reason and I recommend you leave him as such. I like to think of re-dating an old boyfriend as rehashing the trash. Might sound a little harsh, but he is the "ex". Check out this site http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Falling-for-Your-Ex-Boyfriend for tips relating to this matter.
I hope the tools I provided for you will be helpful in communicating your concerns to your mom, and gives you a clearer perspective on how these issues can affect you in adulthood. Please follow-up and let me know how things worked out.
Sincerely,
Joy Denise Miller - The Stepfamily Communication Coach
www.stepfamilyguru.com
